Deep

This week was...hmm, its tough to find the right words. Well here it goes.

While Steven and I were still living in South Korea I became pregnant with our second child and I miscarried that child. I won't go into too many details because it was actually very horrific. It was a very difficult time, one that Steven and I had to suffer through alone without the support of friends and family. I quit breastfeeding immediately because I couldn't stand to have that close intimate bond with Avery when I felt like such a horrible mother. We didn't want to tell anyone (other than immediate family and very close friends) what had happened. At the time I had 10 friends who were all pregnant and at one point or another I hated each and every one of them. I was angry, I shut out everyone. I stopped going to Lunch with the Ladies, play dates, coffee dates, I didn't even play the last game in the spouse's bowling league. Naturally, I lost most of my friends in Korea because I basically fell off the face of the planet, but I didn't care.

When Avery was only a few months old, Steven and I decided that we would start trying for baby #2 in December, just a month shy of her first birthday. After I had the miscarriage we changed our minds, neither of us wanted to try for another baby so soon - well I did, I really really did but just couldn't. As the baby's due date neared I became intolerable. All the anger that had subsided for a few months suddenly began bubbling to the surface again - Steven could barely look at me without getting yelled at for it. I decided it was time to let things go.

Friday, April 26th, was the baby's due date. I felt that the baby was a girl like I did with Avery so I decided to finally give her a name. I wrote a long letter to her explaining why she didn't get to be in this world with us. I told her that I loved her and would never forget about her but that I needed to move on and start the healing process. I told her that Steven's grandmother in heaven would take care of her until mommy and daddy got there. I took Avery to a beautiful park and tied the note to a very girly 'Happy Birthday' balloon. I managed not to cry but to be honest I think I used up all my tears from crying myself to sleep every night that month. I'm ready to move on, I don't want to hurt anymore.

The days following the baby's due date were oddly calm. For the first time in months I felt care free and not weighed down with grief. The calm came just in time for Steven's birthday. He turned 24 on Sunday, he's getting old ;) I had planned to make Steven breakfast in bed for his birthday but when my alarm went off that morning I realized he was already awake and playing video games. I guess waking up at 430 am for work on a regular basis kind of kills the ability to sleep in. I made him breakfast anyway though. Yvette came over to our house around 930 am to watch Avery while my mom, Steven and I were at the tattoo parlor. Steven drove his own car to the parlor so that he could go golfing immediately after with my dad and his dad. My mom offered to drive us so that I could leave Yvette the Durango in case anything happened to Avery.

John was waiting for us when we got there - its still amazing to me that he would come in hours before the parlor opened just so my mom and I could be tattooed together. I volunteered to go first because I knew if I watched my mom get tattooed I would chicken out. John asked if I was nervous and I said "Yes, of course I am, this is my first tattoo." He was surprised that I chose the rib cage (generally one of the most painful areas of the body) to get my first tattoo - go big or go home I guess. I put on a bathing suit top and let John do his thing. The first line of the tattoo wasn't bad at all, the second line was not fun, and the third line was just as unpleasant  Although it was his birthday, Steven held my hand the entire time and offered me apple juice, he is such an amazing man. We were all talking during the tattoo process and started talking about Duck Dynasty. We had to keep changing the subject because John and I were laughing and neither of us wanted a squiggly tattoo. I was so excited when John finished but then he informed me that we weren't done, he had to go over the tattoo a few more times - I was done in about 45 minutes though. Everyone seemed impressed with how well I did :) I warned John beforehand that I usually puke and pass out when needles are involved, he was happy that neither of those things happened. John told me stories about how many people will cry or pass out when getting the rib cage tattooed. I was so pleased with myself and with how perfect my tattoo turned out.

My mom was up next, I told her it really wasn't that bad but she called me a liar. I held her hand during the entire process which only took about 20 minutes. She got a pumpkin with AQ in the middle and "Doodle" written underneath in my handwriting :D It was such a great experience to do this with my mom and we already have our next tattoos picked out :) I will definitely go back to John for any other tattoos I decide get.

Steven went golfing after we were finished while mom and I grabbed Avery and went back to her house. A few hours later Steven, his dad, and my dad returned from golf. I'm so happy they got some male bonding time. The entire family went to Fiesta Guadalajara for Steven's birthday dinner - we made him wear the giant sombrero :) After dinner we had cake at my father-in-law's house. Steven hasn't been able to celebrate his birthday with his family in two years so I'm really glad he was able to do so this year.

As I may have mentioned before Steven got a great new job and starts in June. He will be working for the same company that my dad works for - a wonderful at-home job :D On Tuesday I took Avery over to Kristen's house so that Steven could set up his home office - earlier that day we found the perfect desk for only $5!! We had a blast at Kristen's house (as usual). Kristen had also invited her friend Jeca over. Jeca has a beautiful baby girl and I struggle to remember if Avery was ever so small. Avery wore herself out by playing with Conner and kissing the babies. I took her to my parents' house before it got too late so she could say hi. Avery knows exactly where we're going when we get into my parents' subdivision, she yells "MIMI MIMI MIMI!!!!" I love living in the United States again so my daughter can grow up around her family.

Avery Quinn - 15 months